Love Ranch Dressing? Now You Can Eat, Breathe and Wear It

Just in time for the holidays.

By Ethan L. Johns
November 09, 2017

Image: Hidden Valley Ranch/Flavour Gallery

It used to just be a creamy white dressing that you put on your salad or dipped your baby carrots in. Talk about a lack of creativity. Ranch dressing is now a lifestyle brand, and we’re kind of OK with it.

Hidden Valley Ranch, the brand that sponsored your childhood lettuce memories, has launched a line of things that are inedible. We don’t mean they’re bad-tasting, they’re just more suited to be worn to pajama parties. That’s right, Hidden Valley Ranch has now got quirky clothing. Hear that, Taco Bell? Ranch is comin’ to get ya’.

The collection begins with winter wear. There’s nothing like a classic ugly Christmas sweater. Comfortable and never-to-be-worn-outside-the-home, you can binge-watch ranch dressing commercials all day long in Hidden Valley’s version. Or you can wear it to work and watch your colleagues’ faces light up with jealousy. Looking for a more understated look? Try the Hidden Valley Crewneck, and make those fools wearing the “KALE” crewnecks look like the hippies they really are (sorry, Beyonce).

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Take it to the floor with Hidden Valley slippers, featuring a bottle of your fave ranch dressing. Or kick back and send your partner (or your literate, trained Jack Russell) a message via sock that they need to get you some dip on the double.

Don’t want to wear your ranch on your sleeves? How about hanging it on your Christmas tree? Feeling a little tummy grumble coming on? You can buy a five-liter keg of the white gold and use it to fill a holiday ranch fountain (skirt included). No need to plan a big dinner if you’ve got one of those bad boys. Just hand out some carrots and celery, and let people go wild.

And that’s not even the half of it. You can see the full collection on the Flavour Gallery website. If you’ve got ranch-lovers in your life, this year’s holiday shopping is going to be a piece of cake. Only the cake is made of ranch, and it’s been doused in ranch. Ranch on, friends.

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About Ethan L. Johns

Ethan is the Food News Writer at Genius Kitchen. An expert on the Parisian bistrot, he likes bitters and salted butters, and is no fan of dessert unless it's made with fruit. His hobbies include reading up on the history of borscht and attempting to roll perfect couscous by hand. Twits & Instagram @EthanLJohns